Grassroots political group, hopefully

[dgriffin]

We asked the nursing home if they could take a little more, actually, to cut back on the amount of cigarettes my mother was buying.

[Clipper]

My dad lived to read Louis Lamour paperbacks, and to eat pancakes with sugar free syrup at IHOP whenever we took him out. His books alone cost me about $25 a month, and that was buying them at a place that traded used books and gave you credit for the ones you brought back. His haircut once a month was $14. I used to GIVE him the cash to put in Birthday cards for the grandchildren, and always kept a $10 stashed in his bible for his trips to IHOP if he was going with someone besides myself. Nursing home rate for cable was $9 month for 10 channels, and they were far from premium choices. It cost me $47 a month for him to have cable tv worth watching for God's sake. The allowance here in Tennessee for nursing home residents is only $40. What the hell are old folks going to enjoy with that? In most cases, about $80 bucks a month would insure that a person had the bare essentials such as haircuts and shampoo, and a little left to spend on other incidentals. It used to drive me crazy when Dad would want to take one of their little van trips to the mall or somewhere, and he would go to get money from his account, only to find that the beautician had finally got around to billing for 3 or 4 haircuts and drained his account.

[dgriffin]

It's been years, but I don't remember it working like that with my parents. Their cable and haircuts didn't come out of the $50 or 60 my mother got, nor of course did clothing. We must have made other arrangements for those items. My father was in skilled nursing and after some months of cable, we stopped it because he never watched it.

[chris]

I am in the process currently of applying for Medicaid for my mom who just went into a nursing home last July. She is allowed to keep 50.00 of her SS and then I still pay her BC and the balance must go to the home. I'm just beginning to find out on a personal level how bad the system is. Nursing home and Medicaid. We take care of all my mom's other needs. Clothes, cards for holidays, birthdays etc. She takes money out of her account to get her hair done but other than that doesn't spend it on anything else so it builds up. I feel bad for the folks who don't have someone taking care of them and must just depend on $50/month for needs. They pay for the cable currently because of the new TV converter laws. Otherwise it was plug and play...3 stations plus PBS. I have to pay for her phone bill out of my pocket. If we took it out of the $50.00 there would not be much left for anything else.

[Clipper]

You make a good point Chris, about feeling bad for those that don't have someone taking care of them or looking out for them. You are going to realize that more and more as time goes on. I found that there was quite a bit of time and effort necessary to take care of my Dad's affairs. Much more than what one would think.

For those left alone at a nursing home, at the mercy of the home, and the system, it is not pleasant. I used to have the home notify me whenever Dad had a doctors appointment. He had to go in an ambulance because he could not walk. I would meet them at the Dr's office, and answer health questions and be with him. If he had no one to accompany him, it would be just an 83 year old, confused man, with two EMT'S from the ambulance that didn't know him from Adam.

I elected to have his social security and pension go into a checking account, and I paid the home the amount dictated by medicaid each month. I wanted to have that control over his money, and to be able to monitor his balances and bills. We could have elected to have it directly deposited to the nursing home for his care. I monitored his account to make sure it didn't get over $2000 (which was never a problem, believe me, haha), paid his cable bill, his life insurance, and stayed on top of the staff at the nursing home to insure he was cared for properly.

I am a firm believer that if you are there to visit often, and spontaneously ( not at the same time all the time) the home tends to give them better and more uniform care, because they know you are watching and monitoring the quality of care.

A person with my Dad's needs and without someone to attend to his business, would not have had his books to read, would have had a lousy and useless cable plan, without even the basic local channels for news and weather, would not have gotten a haircut, and would have worn whatever clothes the nursing home gave them.

My dad had nice clothes and I always bought him new underwear and t-shirts every few months because the commercial detergents at the home used to ruin the underwear and make it yellow and dingy looking. I used to keep him in decent looking clothes, but some of the residents looked like they were dressed from the salvation army bin, with shirts with buttons missing, pants with no belt, mismatched socks, and clothes that did not fit them.

When my Dad passed away, there was an older man there that had been homeless, had a stroke and ended up there with no known relatives and no means other than social programs such as medicaid. He always sat in the front window of the lobby and dayroom, looking out. He always had on the same pair of stained sweat pants, shower shoes, and a ragged looking yellowed t-shirt.

He had no TV, no chair of his own to sit in, other than the straight backed chair that was in the rooms for visitors, and no visitors. My dad used to let him sit in Dad's room and watch TV with him.

When Dad had passed on, my siblings and I gave ALL of Dad's stuff to him. He was the same size, so he now has clothes that fit, a TV, an electric lift chair recliner, and a closet full of paperbacks to read. He had long ratty looking hair, and an uncontrolled beard. I called the home, and made arrangements to put $20 a month in his account to insure he gets a haircut, and I pay his $9 basic cable, so at least he has SOMETHING to watch on television. I honestly cannot justify paying $47 for him to have the premium cable. I don't visit him often, but I do stop by once in a while and chat for a few minutes. He does not know that I put money in his haircut account, and the home doesn't tell him that I have his cable in my name and the have the bill sent to me here at home. He doesn't need to know. He is a Korean war veteran and he deserves to live a quality of life that respects that service. He will be gone all too soon. He has cancer in lung, diagnosed a few months ago, and he signed a DNR and a living will that precludes chemo or treatment. Although it will bring back unpleasant memories of watching my Dad die, I hope to muster the courage to spend time with this man in his waning days, and to be with him so he doesn't die alone. I know very little about the man, and privacy practices prevent the home from actually telling me much. I don't ask him much of a personal nature either. I just feel that God has given me adequate income to live comfortably, I don't miss the trivial amount that I spend on this man, and I feel this pull from God to offer another human being a warm hand to hold and a visitor to look forward to, however infrequent it may be that I drive the 23 miles to visit.

In my mind that is what God's work is all about. HE will tell ya where you are needed, and it doesn't take a major sacrifice to make a difference. God saved me from alcoholism and the depression and despair that went with it, and now it is my time to make a difference in someone else's life in a very small way. Hell, if I was still drinking, I would not HAVE $9 a month to pay for anyone's cable, haha.

Just know that YOU are in charge. MAKE them take proper care of your mom, and climb on their asses if you find her dirty, or needing something that they should be providing. In many cases they DO give them good care, but they are understaffed in most cases, and sometimes an individual employee doesn't do what they are supposed to, and the resident suffers by missing their shower, or not having their dentures cleaned regularly.

God bless ya Chris, it is a privilege, not a burden to care for your parents in their waning years. Take joy from paying her back for her nurturing care when you were a child. You will be left with a heart full of great memories and no pangs of conscience or misgivings when she has passed on.

I am sorry to have rambled on, but I want to relate the experiences of 3 years of Dad's residency in a home, and the hurdles that you face. Also if there is a neglected resident in the home where your mom is, it only takes a few minutes and possibly a few dollars to make a million dollars worth of difference in their life with a smile and greeting, or possibly a little gift occasionally.

[dgriffin]

Chris, if your Mom has a little money as my parents did, it is possible to cut some of it out so that the nursing home doesn't get it, and then use it for the miscellaneous items mentioned above. Medicaid will work with you ... or should ... toward that goal. That is assuming there is any money left, or that you are not morally against it for some reason.

In my parents case, the biggest amount saved, wasn't "saved" at all. It was the ability to claim my parents and their medical expenses, including the nursing home, on my federal income tax.

Our situation was complicated by the possibility of my Mother coming out of the home when my father passed away, so it was especially important that we preserve her money.

[Clipper]

My experience is only with my Dad, and my mom was deceased. I have wondered on a couple of occasions what happens if there is a spouse that needs to stay in the residence, and is not in need of care. What happens in that case if the person in the nursing home is needing medicaide? Would they qualify, with the assets still in tact and the husband or wife still living in the home and having to maintain a car etc? Would the person be forced to sell their home to pay for the spouses nursing home care? How does that work Dave?

I did not have anything to hide, as we had sold his home and we were not trying to tuck away anything to hide it or keep it from medicaide. We simply spent his money down to the level required by medicaide by "self paying" the nursing home until he was at the required level, and then they kicked in and picked up the slack.

[dgriffin]

You understand what assets are ... money, real estate, etc. Medicaid just divides it in two and considers half the husband's and the other half the wife's. So if a couple has $20,000 in liquid assets and one spouse goes into a nursing home, only $10K is considered an asset for the spouse entering the home. A home may not be sold to pay for care if, 1. the spouse is living in it, or 2. in the case of a person with no spouse, if there is any chance the person might in the future go home to live in the house. Medicaid is pretty liberal with this last provision. They are not interested in kicking people out of their home or stealing their assets. A neighbor widow kept her house for 6 or 7 years while in a nursing home before Medicaid asked her to sell it.
My parents had no real estate at that point in their lives.

A New York State resident who expects to enter a nursing home and eventually have Medicaid pick up the tab (along with Social Security) has to be evaluated and receive a passing grade. A spouse who wants to enter the home with their loved one, so as not to be apart, must also pass the test, but for compassion reasons the state gives that spouse extra points if they need them. Up to a limit, because the state doesn't want to pay for people who are perfectly able to take care of themselves. My mother was in that category. The would NOT have kicked her out when my father died, which we expected him to do before my Mom, but we thought she might decide to leave the Home of her own accord. She would have been destitute, since all of their funds would have been spent on the nursing home. Turns out she died first.

[Clipper]

Thanks for the education Dave. My mom went first also. We were always thinking that Dad would die first, seeing as he was older, and in poorer health most of the time. It was a blessing in disguise though when she went first. She would have not done well without Dad, and I would not have had the patience with her that I had with my hero. She was very demanding, and I would not have dealt as well with that as I did with having my dad live with us, LOL.

She would have been hell on wheels if she ever had to be placed in a nursing home. I would not have wanted to be on the staff of that home! Dad had spoiled her and waited on her hand and foot for far too long for anyone else to be able to step in and provide the same level of care he gave her, haha.

[Ralph]

Clipper, I don’t want to steal the thread away from its intended direction, but I just want to make a comment.

You know the path I had chosen and the walk I took in trying to work in the community.
Faith Furniture was the only really rewarding endeavor that actually delivered what it had promised.
Trying to “save” the rest was futile, as most didn’t want to be saved.

You could find a cure for cancer tomorrow, or HIV or whatever…..and one would probably be rich and famous and never forgotten, but nary touch a heart.
But the simple act of reaching out to another human being as you have, to provide the simplest things that the rest of us take for granted, that is what will touch a heart.

The random acts of kindness that we perform for one another, are far greater than any “miracle” we could discover or any riches we could accumulate. Regardless of whether you ever know where that gentleman has come from, be assured that he knows that someone cares…..and in the end, that will make all the difference…...........to you both.

[frankcor]

"The random acts of kindness that we perform for one another, are far greater than any “miracle” we could discover or any riches we could accumulate."[/b]

Wise words, Ralph. And well said. Thank you. I try to remember that message every day and your words will help.

[Clipper]

Unfortunately we have long since taken the thread away from it's original intention, and for that I apologize to our new member, Rod. I will simply post another of the famous "clipper length" posts to explain my position and thank you all for the unearned praise.

I thank you for the kind words and observations Ralph. I DO remember Faith Furniture and the works that you have done for the community, only to be kicked in the teeth by the usual suspects that hold the city down with their politics.

My concern for the old man at the nursing home is born of a long ago fear of my own of dying alone. When I first was sober, and fresh out of alcohol rehab, I lived at the Y in Utica for awhile in a small and lonely room for $6 a night. My biggest fear was that I would die alone, and that no one would even give a damn. It was people in 12 step programs, and one in particular, that taught me that there was more joy in giving than in receiving, and that the benefits were paid in smiles, handshakes, and thank you's. You can't place a monetary value on fellowship and moral support when a fellow human being is down and out.

I had a sponsor named Tom M. He took to me, and we both loved to fish and camp. He spent the first 365 days of MY sobriety, attending meetings with me, and we were best friends. We would fish, camp, and talk for hours at a time. He had pulled himself up from the very dregs of alcoholism, and had made a highly successful and happy life. He died with over 25 years of sobriety, lived one day at a time, and left a legacy of numerous people like myself, that he guided down the path to successful recovery.

Tom was the one that started me on the path of visiting and caring for those less fortunate. We ALWAYS went to visit a fellow AA member if they were hospitalized or if they had relapsed. Many of those we knew from "around the tables" had alienated friends and family and were "alone" in the world.

That program taught me that material goods are nothing compared to love and fellowship. It taught me that after starting over with nothing on a couple of different occasions, that there is more satisfaction in helping someone in need than there is in spending money on foolishness and frivolity.

Don't paint me as TOO charitable. I do still bowl 4 nights a week, and we travel and camp. I simply look back and realize that there was a time when the majority of my income was spent on alcohol and foolishness. I find it more rewarding to spend it on someone in need than to spend it on self indulgence and material goods.

Much of my "helping out" time is in volunteering at a local soup kitchen. Hey, it only takes 2 or 3 hours to cook, serve, and do the pots and pans from a meal served to the hungry. 2 or 3 hours that I would otherwise waste sitting here at the computer or watching TV. It only costs about $10 to buy a winter coat at the Sally and to take it to a homeless person that you see walking the streets in a flannel shirt in winter weather. Serving supper at the soup kitchen costs me nothing and is rewarding as hell. Liking to talk as much as I do, I usually end up spending a couple of hours there just talking to the folks that come in off the street. It makes one very grateful for what we have.

So I am no saint. I am simply a person with a not so pleasant past, giving back, as people gave to me when I was down. NOBODY should have to be lonely. NOBODY should die alone. Everyone should realize that it doesn't have to be time consuming and all encompassing to help others. A few minutes here and few minutes there suffice and make a difference.

One might get the impression that I "blow my own horn" about such charitable acts. I don't do it for that reason. I do it to relate to others that it only takes a few minutes or a few bucks to make a large difference in someone else's life.

My rambling posts are often fueled by an inner desire to relate experiences to others, with the idea in mind that someone else might take something useful away from the table. They are not intended to be bragging about MY own accomplishment. THOSE have been minimal, haha.

Those that know me, know that I am simply an outgoing person, with a desire to open my heart and share my experiences in life, both bad and good, so that others may relate to, and benefit from my mistakes AND my accomplishments.

I am grateful for all the friends that we have here on the forum, and appreciate the fact that you all put up with my rambling posts, LOL. (How is that one for a "war and peace length post, FranK?)

To our new friend Rod. You will find that we often get off topic, and ramble. I am not the only one guilty of that, haha. All you need to do is to take us back to the original topic with a post that is back on subject. We didn't intend to detract from your thread or it's importance. In fact I find the thread and your organization very interesting and enlightening. Welcome to the "madhouse" Rod. Jump back in there soon.

[Swimmy]

1. The mvgreen issue. Thank you for taking the time to come here and share your objectives with us. If you would like more support and assistance from experienced government fighting individuals, contact Concerned Citizens of New Hartford for Open and Honest Government and Strikeslip (his blog is listed on his profile here). These guys are vigilant is bringing about different issues that the government either tries to actively cover up or poorly performs. They have been instrumental in several aspects. I'm sure you could contact them and seek their advice.

2. Speaking only through free-thought and no legal research conducted, why not put all your parents' money into a trust fund with you as the beneficiary? Then you could save their money and use it for other expenses not covered by Medicaid.

[rodwilson]

No apologies necessary. It's all great stuff. I was out of town for the weekend helping a friend and I thought "wouldn't it be great to just leave my laptop home?" So I did

[rodwilson]

I had the opp this past weekend to work with some folks from the Rebuilding America program out in Saratoga County. I looked but couldn't find info on a local group. Does anyone know if anything like this exists in Oneida County? If not, I'd like to get it rolling.

www.rebuildingtogether.org/